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sexhaver:

there’s a tradition where if you step on the campus seal in the middle of the quad you won’t graduate in 4 years unless you touch a statue of our school mascot (a goat that’s is like 60 feet away across an open field) within 10 seconds and I just watched a senior accidentally step on it, holler “SHIT” at the top of his lungs, drop his bags, and break into a dead sprint across the lawn. I love college

When my future children misbehave

  • Child 1:

    Please, don't ground us!

  • Me:

    Stop groveling as if this is the worst day of your life. This is a good day. I'm going to give you all the opportunity to rehabilitate yourselves, and become productive members of this family.

  • Right now, you're lost. But pledge your loyalty to me, and I'll give you a new purpose in your lives. Of course if you don't want to cooperate you can stay right here. Hopefully someone saves you before Mom finds this mess. But I wouldn't count on it.

  • Child 1:

    No, we'll play nice! Don't leave us here!

  • Child 2:

    We pledge our loyalty to you, Great Dad.

  • -Kuvira's Guide to Good Parenting

raptortooth:

mybine:

lumos5001:

amazingpeetaisnotonfire:

sluttynuggets:

aphtaiwan:

johnhamishmorstan:

I don’t understand american school years what the fuck is a freshman or a sophomore why do you have these words instead of the numbers

what why would you use numbers

so IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE WHAT THE HELL IS A SOFT MOORE OR A FRESH MAN WHY ARE THE MEN FRESH

image

America makes no sense, as usual.

bless the person that actually made the chart

laughter from France

image

France what the fuck

(Source: vexingholmes)

  • Socialism:

    You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

  • Communism:

    You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

  • Fascism:

    You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

  • Nazism:

    You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.

  • Bureaucratism:

    You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..

  • Traditional Capitalism:

    You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

  • An American Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

  • A French Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

  • Japanese Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

  • An Italian Corporation:

    You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

  • A Swiss Corporation:

    You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

  • Chinese Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

  • An Iraqi Corporation:

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your arse. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.......

  • Counter Culture:

    'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'

  • Surrealism:

    You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

  • Apathyologism:

    You have 2 cows. You do not care.

  • Fatalist:

    You have 2 doomed cows...

  • Atheism:

    You have 2 cows. There is no God.

  • A West-Country Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

  • A Brazilian Corporation:

    You have 2 cows. You pay taxes for 6 cows. You have to sell one cow in order to pay the taxes. Your remaining cow gets sick and dies while waiting for availability in the public vet hospital.

  • Russia:

    You have two cows. Since they are both female, if you happen to keep them in the same stable you will pay a 5,000 rouble fine for homosexual propaganda.

  • PETA:

    You have two cows. You kill them both. You then use naked women to convince other people that killing cows is wrong.

  • Moffat:

    You have two cows. Both of them are your daughters time traveling from the past where they had a brief love affair with Da Vinci making you the rightful Queen of England. As you assume the throne, you throw them off a building.

  • Hussie:

    You have 2 cows. You ask for another one. Instead of getting just 1 cow, you get 2,485,506 cows.

  • Romney:

    You have 2 cows. You are not the president of the united states.

  • Once-ler:

    You have 1 cow. Everyone decides to make 5 different versions of that cow.

  • Old Spice:

    You have 2 cows. The cows are now diamonds. I'm on a horse.

  • An Irish Corporation:

    You have a million cows because they're everywhere

  • Tumblr:

    You have 2 cows. You ship them together and make GIF posts screaming about how much you love your cows, but they should stop existing because they are so perfect.

  • Also Tumblr:

    I give you a hamburger.

  • Night Vale:

    You do NOT have two cows. Cows do not exist. What's a cow? Show me a cow! That's not a cow! Who let you in here?

  • Tom Hiddleston:

    You have two cows. You are very sorry for them.

  • Thranduil:

    You do not have two cows, you have an elk. Riding on two cows is not majestic. Also the dwarves are on fire.

  • Dwarves:

    You had two cows but now they're on fire.

  • Bilbo Baggins:

    You did not invite those two cows for dinner.

  • Cows:

    The shit you go through.

  • This post:

    Started off as a post that explained different goverments but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked

thegits:

fish-boned:

shickalenia:

dduane:

thesuitsofwoah:

that’s almost too cruel
almost

I had to do this once with Privateer II: The Darkening. It gained a bit when he said “I bet you didn’t play it through, I bet somebody just told you how…” and I was able to smile gently and say “God, possibly, since I wrote the game.” And plainly the Deity was with me that day, as I happened to be carrying docs from my UK agent (who’d done the deal) that showed not only that I was the writer, but the five-figure sum I had been paid. …It was a happy day for me. Not so much for him. I’d never had a referent for the word “slink” for a full grown male before. As in “slink away in utter dejection.” I smiled for at least three days without stopping. And am smiling now… I had completely forgotten about this.

Reblogging because “I beat the game” is fantastic, but “I wrote the damn thing” is even better.

I’m not a gamer but I’ll always reblog these.

Vicious. I love it.

(Source: maxofs2d)

subterraneanbunnypig:

devissitrhw:

Compiled all of the boy and his duck pictures with their original sourcing in what I hope is chronological order.

SO THIS GUY IN MY ENGLISH IS DOING A PROJECT FOR BIO WHERE HE GETS A DUCKLING TO IMPRINT ON HIM SO HE JUST CARRIES IT AROUND WITH HIM TO ALL OF HIS CLASSES AND I SWEAR THIS DUCK IS THE MOST WELL BEHAVED FUCKING POULTRY IVE EVER SEEN IT JUST SITS ON HIS DESK QUIETLY AND SOMETIMES HE PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET AND IT JUST SLEEPS LIKE WOW YOU GO DUCKY 

teenytigress

THERE HE IS, WHAT A GEM AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING DUCKLING AH I CAN’T

teenytigress

DUCK UPDATE: IT HAS IMPRINTED AND THINKS THIS BOY IS IT’S MOMMY. OMG

teenytigress

DUCK UPDATE: TODAY WE HAD A FIRE DRILL AND HE CARRIED THE DUCKY OUTSIDE WITH HIM AND CRADLED IT PROTECTIVELY AND MOTHERLY INSTINCTS ARE FUCKING ADORABLE

did-venusblowyour-mind

I know the duck boy and he and his duck are inseparable. An indestructible bond to say the least. 

Actual Kids Story: A Boy and His Duck

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